Spent.

Lynise Doctoroff — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 21:19:59 +0000

I don’t know how to describe what I am feeling. I feel like if I voice how I feel people will look at me and roll their eyes. I know that my life is good, great even. I am a lucky girl… But that doesn’t change that I feel like I am going to come undone. I feel like if it wasn’t for my skin I would be a puddle on the floor.

You know when you feel pour yourself into something or someone so much because you know that it’s what they need from you? You want to be their rock because what they’re going through is awful… But you forget that if you pour too much of yourself out eventually you will be empty.

That is how I feel. Empty.

Jesus, come and fill me up.

Changing Colors, Patience & Pumpkin Spice

Lynise Doctoroff — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:45:18 +0000

Autumn…

This is by far my favorite time of year for so many reasons. I love walking out of my house to a crisp chill in the air. I love all of the great warm weather clothes that I get to wear like scarves, coats and boots! I especially love all of the Fall-themed things that you have to choose from – Pumpkin Spice, Cinnamon, Candy Corn and later on… Gingerbread. The trees are starting to change to the bright yellow, orange and reds that remind us that Fall is finally upon us. I can’t help but take a long deep breath so that the cold air fills my lungs each time I walk outside.

As I was driving to work today I couldn’t help but be surprised by how little I stop to appreciate all of the beauty that surrounds me but today I was stunned by the beautiful picture that was in front of me as I made my way this morning. It reminded me just how incredible God is. I think that a lot of times I forget to step back and remember that God is the one that is in control of my life, no matter how much I like to think that I am. Lately I have been reflecting on that… I always think – “well, if I would have realized that earlier then maybe things would be different.” I think that my life is unfolding just as God intends it to right now. I see Him in everything that is happening right now and I am so amazed by how great everything is. While waiting for things to happen is frustrating and requires lots of patience (which I have none of) it is always worth the wait.

So, as beautiful Colorado changes from the bright, colorful colors of Fall to what I am sure will be a cold and snowy Winter I will continue to wait… What God has planned for me is going to be better than I could have planned, I know. I am sure that eventually I will get this whole patience thing down – I know that God is sneaking that lesson in here somewhere.

xoxo,

Lynise

Twelve

Lynise Doctoroff — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 21:20:30 +0000

It’s amazing to me how quickly life seems to move the older you get. When I was young it seemed like time couldn’t go any slower. Every event that I looked forward to would take what seemed like forever to arrive. Now, it seems like time is racing by. Sometimes the days go be slowly but when I look at the last year it seems like it was New Years just yesterday… So, as I embark on a new October I have decided to reflect on just how much my life has changed in the last twelve months and look forward to where I might be in another twelve months… Here we go.

Let’s see… Twelve months ago I had a different job, home and relationships. Well, when I look back at all those things I do not regret the place that I have arrived at. I have a fabulous job – I love it and not to toot my own horn (beep! beep!) but I rock at it. I live in a different place but I also love it. The relationships I have with my family and friends have changed and evolved a lot over the past twelve months. I think that most of them are much better than they used to be – despite a little bit of drama to get where they are. One thing that I never thought would happen… I am dating the most incredible person that I have ever met (I met him in the summer of last year – so maybe more like 18 months ago.) We are talking about our future together and if all goes as planned when I reflect at this time next year I will be in a VERY different place than I am now. I didn’t think that I would ever experience a love like this. Frankly, I didn’t know that it could ever exist for me… But it is a feeling that is indescribable and I feel so lucky to have found someone who loves me as much as I love him.

I am VERY anxious to see what the coming months have in store for me. If you know me at all you will know that I have absolutely no patience so I am waiting impatiently. All I know is that God has always been to faithful and has always taken great care of me and so I trust that wherever I am headed is exactly where He wants me to be.

Until then I will continue waiting with bated breath…

xoxo,

Lynise

What is Love?

Lynise Doctoroff — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 21:38:53 +0000

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.

Rebecca- age 8

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2. “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

Billy – age 4

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3. “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”

Karl – age 5

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4. “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy – age 6

5. “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”

Terri – age 4

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6. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny – age 7

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7. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”

Emily – age 8

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8. “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

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9. “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka – age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

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10. “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle – age 7

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11. “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they

know each other so well.”

Tommy – age 6

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12. “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy – age 8

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13. “My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare – age 6

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14. “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5

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15. “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”

Chris – age 7

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16. “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann – age 4

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17. “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”

Lauren – age 4

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18. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)

Karen – age 7

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19. “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark – age 6

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20. “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica – age 8

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21. And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

I have learned…

Lynise Doctoroff — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 21:25:03 +0000

I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Evolution

Lynise Doctoroff — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 16:44:22 +0000

I can’t believe that it is August already… Time has flown by. I have found myself thinking about my past, present and future a lot lately. I have experienced a lot of change over the past couple of years with most of it being in the last eight months. I know that is sounds cliché but I can not believe how the events of the last eight months ago got me to where I am today… But more importantly, brought me to a place in life where I can say that I am truly happy being me and with the life that I have.

The person that you see in front of you today is a testament to how incredibly awesome God is and how he can absolutely turn the most horrible things into something beautiful. I look back at all the parts of my life that I was completely broken during and can trace how going though them brought me to exactly where I am today. Yeah, it was definitely a painful time and while I was going through it I would have given anything to not be but I can see where God was working in my life.

Over the past eight months I have experience many ups and downs… At the beginning of the year I quit my job which, trust me, was much more complicated than it sounds. I worked with my Dad at his HVAC company. My favorite part of work was getting to see my Dad everyday – I loved that I was in such an important part of his life. As you might know or can at least understand – working for or with family is challenging and it was because of this reason that I quit. It was an ‘all of a sudden’ type of event and there was no warning. To say that it was a dramatic event would be a vast understatement. Things were said, accusations were made and decisions were made that affected all the parties involved. It was not one of my favorite events… But if I had a Fairy Godmother or a Genie in a magical lamp show up now and tell me that they can undo the past eight months like it never happened I would not hesitate in telling them no.

If I had to go back in time I would go through all of it again before I took back what happened, I would in a heartbeat.

God has been so good during this time. I quit my job and a week and half later I was offered an incredible job, one that I love. I have been given opportunities that I never dreamed that I would have. Coming to work every day is great because I love what I do. I have really been spending a lot of time working on myself and thinking about and pursing what I want out of life. Gaining the sense of independence and control over my life was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life so far.

During a time like this you really get a good sense of where you are at with the people in your life. You see what relationships are true and which ones aren’t. I have been so thankful for the people in my life that have been there to support me throughout this time. To those people, you know who you are, I can’t express how thankful I am to you. I feel so blessed to have such incredible people in my life.

Overcast

Lynise Doctoroff — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:45:32 +0000

Some days I feel like I need a little encouragement… Today is definitely one of those days.

…Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked. You are far more wonderful than you think you are. Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doing great. So relax. And love yourself today.

Sometimes…

Lynise Doctoroff — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 18:47:36 +0000

Wow. I have not posted on here in a long time… I guess I should get better with that. I love writing but I have not made time for it like I used to. Well, here is my first post in a while, I hope that you enjoy.

Sometimes every one of us feels, like we’ll never be healed. Sometimes… Sometimes every one of us aches, like we’ll never be saved. Sometimes… – David Crowder Band, Sometimes

A lot has changed in my life, especially since the start of twenty eleven. I started the year off going to the Passion conference – it was amazing. But I knew it would be. When I got back I had a series of pretty dramatic life changes take place – I quit my job and moved out of my house. The month of January was a chaotic time… But as I sit here looking back at my life over over the past three months I can’t help but be grateful for the chaos that it has been. If you know me at all you know that I like to be in control. I feel like everything about my life has to be perfect and put together – shiny on the outside. But that is definitely not that case. God has been transforming me into this better version of myself.

I would have never quit my job or moved out unless it all happened the way that it did because I was comfortable. But God’s plan for my life has not always been perfect – most times it is painful and has been challenging. I am the person that I am today because of the trials in my life. I can look back at every painful moment, situation, relationship and see exactly why God put me into that situation. I would not change the things that have happened in my life because I am who I am because of them.

Perfection is not just about control, it’s about letting go.

I feel like God has been using this chaos over the last few months to transform me into the woman that he had planned for me to be. He is moving me life in a direction that makes me uncomfortable but in all of the commotion it feels comfortable at the same time. I have moved into a new place and started a new job – both of which are making me really happy. There are still some relationships that need mending and I am aware and anxious for that to happen but I am trying to listen to God and His timing. One thing that I have learned throughout all of this is that sometimes we need to lower the expectations that we have for people but not the love we have for them. I love my family and friends unconditionally and feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous. – Carrie Bradshaw

There are some things in my life that I am scared to change but I know that God uses everything for His glory. At the end of May I will be transitioning out of Merge at Flatirons Community Church – a place that I have called home for the last 3 years. I have met some amazing people and have some incredibly strong relationships from my time there. I am so grateful to be blessed with such an incredible group of friends. I feel so lucky that they are there to support me and lift me up. It’s going to be hard leaving that part of my life but I find comfort in the fact that the relationships that I have formed will span any time or distance.

I feel so blessed right now… As I sit here writing this I am pretty overwhelmed by how loved I feel. I have the most incredible people in my life – I know that God has strategically placed them in my life. I am so excited for the rest of this year and the changes ahead! I will try to keep you more up to date.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Getting to know… Me!

Lynise Doctoroff — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 03:59:51 +0000

I feel like I have been floating recently… With no direction and no idea what I am doing. I look at my future and I am so lost when I think about what it looks like. Over the course of the past summer I successfully lost who I am completely. I got into the most ridiculous relationship, if you even want to call it that, and put everything I had into it. It ended up breaking, no smashing, my heart and it took me a while to recover. I know the things that make me happy. I know things that I have wanted to do my whole life but my worry of what others may think gets in the way all the time. I admire my brother so much for the determination he has to live his life on HIS terms and nobody else’s. I guess I have always had a hard time breaking out and doing what I want because I want to make sure that the people that I love are happy with what I am doing, regardless of whether or not it is what I truly want for myself. I always struggle with the relationships that I have with people. I genuinely care about what others think of me, I take their opinions into account and listen to what they think I should do but it seems like lately I have lost myself and even when people try an pull me back I remain stuck.

I was watching one of my favorite shows, Sex and the City, and Carrie Bradshaw said something really enlightening and it has really stuck with me…

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” -Carrie Bradshaw

I guess that I need to focus on myself and block out everyone else’s opinions so that I can figure out what I want and need. So here it goes… I am going to date myself and get to know ME. I am sure that I am a great person…

I need to catch my breath.

Lynise Doctoroff — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 23:58:43 +0000

I have not written on here in months but I am determined to get my thoughts about the last few months out…

Have you ever felt so broken that you feel unworthy to be in the presence of others? Like you are this trainwreck of a person who is failing at everyting you try while everyone areound you is succeeding at everything they try and racing past you down this road called life? Over the last few months I have felt like the biggest failure possible. Everything I have tried I have failed. College? Just not for me. Relationships? Ha, yeah about those… Being a good daughter? Failing at that too. Isn’t there ever going to be anything that I can do well? I want to do something and own it. I know that I am capeable of it but I just can’t figure out what it is. I have found myself pleading with God to just tell me what it is he has planned for my life. Knowing would be so much easier. Then I wouldn’t feel like such a monumental failure. Nope, it is all in His time… I always forget that part. What if I want his time to be my time? Is that so wrong? I want to be in control of my life. That is what I always forget though… It’s not MY life.

If you know me at all you know that I am a happy person. I love people. I am a social butterfly, just ask anybody who knows me. I am sure of myself and know exactly who I am. I have my morals in order, know what I want for my life and know that God is in control. But if you have seen me over the past few months you would never think that. I do not even know what kind of person I have been because I have not been able to recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I have never been this sad all the time. I guess as I am looking back and reflecting over the past couple of months I ask myself why it all had to come to a head at once? Everything hit me all at once and knocked me flat on my back.

I feel like I am drowning and I can’t reach the surface for a breath.